Pfffttt!!!

I know where I got the stubborn part of my genes from. My old man (natural dad) is so adamant about not seen a doctor. ARgghh!

Yes, its happening again. He's falling sick again. From the symptoms described, the doctors that my mother consulted says he should got for a checkup, cos his risk of colorectal cancer is high. Of course, he's having none of it and decides to self-medicate.

In a way, I know what he is thinking. He feels guilty about all the things he had done and thinks that he oughta just die. I know it, cos I'm just like him. And honestly, I have no idea how to convince him otherwise. In anycase, I just saw him today, and he didn't look very sick at all. But I still encouraged him to go for his annual checkup which he refuses to.

Dunno what to do man... argh. listening to the rain... 10:29 PM 0 comments

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Did something right

Once in a while, I'd do something right. It makes me feel as though I've been a better person today. I think.

Found this purse at the bus stop while heading to work this morning. I did the right thing, and brought it down to the police station to make a report. Of course, that resulted in me being half an hour late for work. But no worries, I got a police report to cover for it.

Met a nice police officer there too. She's cute too. =D I guess I'll drop her a message on her friendster profile. MUAHAHAHAHA. listening to the rain... 11:33 AM 0 comments

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Short post

G12 conference finally over. Phew... past few days didn't sleep enough. Waking up early to go for conference sessions, falling asleep in it etc.

Its been an interesting conference. A lot of first time for everything.

First time my brother spoke on the pulpit to the church AND international delegates. And he's only 20.

First time a girl walked up to me, and told me that she's observed me for 3 years and thinks that I'm becoming better looking. Talk about paisehhness!

Food was pretty good at the conference this year, thanks to my VIP badge. So had access to the lounge areas etc. Shiokness. But felt a bit bad for leaving my cell buddies behind at the main areas, so forsaked a few meals to eat with them.

And, I NEVER KNEW SUZANNE was in FCBC YouthNet as well. She's my archery junior, and I had NO clue. When I ran into her just now, I was like "what are you doing here?????" and she said the same thing. Man, its a small world. But by replying me like that, it shows that she's still new to the family. =D

I have to admit, the conference was refreshing. I've been falling away from God quite a bit lately, n that really happens often lar. Seeing the miracles and real life testaments from people around me, I realized how far I've gone away to be blinded like that. Perhaps I was wrong. Perhaps...

The events at this years conference has added a lot of stress to me as well. Everybody has been turning to me and asking the same dreaded question after my brother's sermon. "When's it your turn?" I wished I could slap the fools. Already I hate being compared to my wonderful brother and they say this to me. In all fairness, they didn't know either.

I hate to speak publicly. I hate to make a fool of myself. I prefer to NOT venture out of my lil emotional fortification and keep my words to myself. I do not like to speak to masses of people I don't know. Unfortunately, I think my mom sort of planned it all out that Michelle and I would be on stage for next year's conference. ARGH!! Neither of us are feeling comfortable about it. Damn!

I would hate to be a hypocrite in front of all the people. I know how messed up my life is at the moment. I know how unstable my thought process is now... And I'm afraid. Afraid of being discovered. Its not to bad to be a hypocrite UNTIL the truth catches up and exposes him. Afraid to be discovered on how I wrestle for my sanity. To dismiss foolish thoughts, voices and suggestions. This is why I don't blog as much nowadays... I really don't know when I am myself. listening to the rain... 12:51 AM 0 comments

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No rest for the wicked

Its been audit after audit after audit the past few days. I've been to Woodlands, Sembawang, Sengkang, Yishun..... so many hiccups, so many problems. Damn.

The 2 new IA students that came in were of some help. 1 of them slightly less. He's WEIRD. Asks me all sorts of stupid questions and does the incredulous. My patience runs wafer thin around him.

Caught him watching Hentai Manga in office today. Dunno what to do... told a few ppl to gossip about it and decided to sit back and watch the fireworks. =D Quite a shocker, seeing a pair of boobs behind his coverage plan drawings. What to do...

So tired lately. Can't sit on a moving vehicle and keep my eyes open. Every moment I feel like falling asleep, except when its really time to sleep! ARGH! listening to the rain... 1:03 AM 0 comments

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Running away fast.

I hate this feeling. Times where the right thing to do would be the wrong. When the distinctions of right and wrong becomes faded gray. To do the right thing, would be the selfish option. To do the wrong thing, would be silence.

No, I cannot do it. It would wreck the warm relations of the status quo. Things will work out. Let it be.

I hate you. For making me feel like this. For making me choose such hard options. For making me choose silence over honesty. For making me keep up with my false pretense. I wish I never knew you. "I hate you." I wish I could say this to you, and at the same time the reverse was also true. What a paradox...

I'm so tired of what my life represents. So jaded of what I am living for. Tortured by the truth that what I live for is out of my grasp. That at the end of the day, I would have amounted to nothing.

If I could have one miracle or wish, I'd wish that I'd just drop dead, to disappear from existence.

25 years. To have gained so much, and lost as much. Every time I find something to be joyful about, a reason to stay alive and look forward to tomorrow, its taken away. Almost as if to observe my reaction. I hate that.

March 15. I dread the coming of that week. To lie to everyone that I feel happy, blessed and grateful for the provisions of God. But all I feel is bitterness and frustration. The false pretense. I hate myself. Let it all end, I beg... listening to the rain... 8:32 PM 0 comments

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