Sunday's over!
Just chillin at my balcony now, having a milo, watching "that 70's show." I guess this is one of the little things I do when I need to unwind at the end of the day.
"BUT ITS A SUNDAY!! WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO UNWIND FROM?!"
Stereotypically, that may be true. In my case, I think Sundays are my "make or break" day for the entire week. Sometimes, some good stuff may happen on Sundays... I shall decline to describe what they are. And these things do make me feel better, and improve my outlook on life and the coming week of school. It doesn't give me hope, but it shows me this lil sparkle of light at the end of the tunnel. Then there is the crappy stuff, that happen. Or the extremely dull Sundays. Its the kinda day that makes me wish I was never born.
Sundays are my lonely days. Where I'll usually sit alone in service, eat alone after service, and travel home alone. Its almost strange, to be so near my "friends" and yet be existing in this empty void that is a part of this reality. It felt like I was a ghost. To be among so many people, but to be among no one. Sometimes, its like I was made of glass, and would only be noticed when they walked right into me. I hate Sundays.
Come to think of it, I hate Mondays too. But that itself is an entirely different matter.
Oh, I remember having this conversation with Shimin and the rest of the guy archers surrounding her. (SHE shouldn't have started it) She said, that it is better for girls to be "Stupid" and not notice the events around her. And that guys often misunderstand girls to be complicated creatures when they are not. I had to contest that. Girls are COMPLICATED. They are fickly minded, they don't know if they really want to hear the truth, or be cradled by lies. They want to say they are unhappy with you, but yet they don't want to say it out, and expect guys to know it. They want to be "sayanged" but yet, they pout and turn away all attention given to them.
Of course, I won't say they are like that ALL the time. But when there's trouble, they can turn out that way. But I think we guys are at fault as well. We are too dumb and direct for our own good. Sometimes, if it fixes the situation by telling a lie, just tell it. I'm sure that got the attention of female readers here (mostly).
"NO! We girls appreciate it when guys are honest!!"
Touch your heart and ask yourself, is that true? If you bake a nice cake for your boyfriend or hubby, and when u ask him if its nice, do you really want him to tell the truth, "I think its so-so only." Or if you buy him a nice shirt or ring, and he doesn't like the design, do you really want him to say, " I don't like this kinda pattern, I'm not gonna wear it." I suspect 2 events would happen if a guy says that. The end of the world as we know it will happen instantaneously, or Hell would freeze over. It is better that we guys cross our fingers behind our backs, and say "Yes dear, I love IT!" THEN pray that we'd not be struck by lightning OR be fed any more horrible pastries OR be forced to wear hideous shirts.
So does that mean we guys would love you less because we lie to you? That the relationship means nothing to us, that we cannot even tell the truth about these matters? No. As the ending of "that 70's show" would put it, We love you too much to tell you the truth, and see the disappointment on your faces. Sometimes, the truth hurts, and we don't want to be the ones who hurts you. Forgive our little dishonesty and maybe try not to put us in such difficult positions future.Making a choice between going to hell for our dishonesty, and seeing the one we love hurt by our words is kinda hard. But we'd rather go to hell in most cases.
Moving along...
I feel it coming soon. And I honestly don't want to face it. It feels like a slap in the face, for failing in so much. Its not just another year... its the mark in a person's life. Where a person's success and potential for success is gauged. I know I don't stand anywhere near my peers. I cocked up too much in my younger days. I wish I never, but I can't turn back time. Its such a stressful and helpless feeling to wake up from my past lifestyle of video games, to realise that life is NOT a video game that can be "Restarted."
I've done my best to get my life back on track, and perhaps to fast track it back to what its supposed to be. I've worked HARD in school, striving to best myself in all academic aspects. But yet I still have to face the harsh critiques of my former life. You think I enjoy being where I am now? To be among Poly students as peers when I'm 6 years older than them? No, I do not hate them or anything. They are my friends whom I've come to love. Many of them are like my younger brothers and sisters to me. But to me, and to my critiques, its a humbling experience. Just imagine someone whose supposed to be in P6 being retained in a P1 class. Thats the kind of sadness, and criticisms that I face.
Every morning I wake up hoping that this reality that I know is just a dream, a nightmare. Unfortunately, this reality takes only 2 seconds to sink in, dispelling any notion that I'm actually some guy who is already working somewhat successfully, and dating some beautiful woman who'd be my wife. *poof*
Sometimes, I just don't want to wake up.
PS: I'm sick and tired of hearing the "Then do something about it!" pseudo-encouragement that comes from so called "people who care." Often its the critiques themselves who are using it as an excuse to talk shit about me. I am already doing my best about it, and I've done as well as I possibly can. I'm getting tired... and all I've done is apparently inadequate to silence the criticisms.
What more can I do, and what more do you all expect from me? What?
...
listening to the rain...
12:23 AM
